Survive Your Middle Schooler's Changing Behavior
While you may not feel ready for the whirlwind of the teenage years, the change is inevitable, and it happens fast. Your challenge: Loosen up, but don't let go.
To cope with the behavioral rollercoaster, offer your tween support, help, consistency, and loyalty.
"She went from darling, affectionate child to moody tweenager in a month. That shocked me," says Lucinda, a mother of three from Tennessee. It's common for your once-cuddly preteen to turn red when she sees you approaching in the mom-mobile. And you might be equally freaked out by her sassy new vocabulary and wardrobe, not to mention her resistance to rules. Dawn, a New Jersey mother whose oldest daughter is 13, says her biggest parenting challenge these days is giving her teen "the freedom she wants, but still maintaining control because she needs guidance."
So how should you respond to your tween's changing behavior? "It's more enjoyable for everyone if you recognize that you cannot really control anyone big enough to ride the public bus, anyone who weighs more than 100 pounds, or anyone who possesses a ten-dollar bill," says Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and the author of Raising Kids with Character.
Dr. Berger, and the parents we spoke to, recommend the following goals:
- Strike a balance between providing input, keeping your child safe, and accepting his decisions. "The grueling battle over curfews, enforced phone calls, and rules is misplaced," says Dr. Berger. Instead, trust your child to act with maturity and respect for himself.
- Be a confidante in your child's life, not simply a rule-maker or manager.
- Offer support, help, consistency, and loyalty.
Consider communication a priority. Without a respectful dialogue, you risk being shut out from her new life and new friends altogether. What you need to do, says Dr. Berger, is shift gears from the direct involvement you have with a younger child to the support system a teenager needs. Try these strategies to cope with common issues:
Dating
Peers, Cliques, and Feeling Left Out
You're Wearing That?
Joining — and Quitting
The Wired (and Wireless) World
Dating
"They called it 'going out' but they never actually went out!" recalls one mother. Middle school romances typically need little interference from parents, beyond setting basic rules about curfew and keeping you notified about where he is and who he's with. He'll share details when he feels it's necessary and appropriate. Remember, tweens handle tricky situations best when they feel supported by committed, approachable parents.
Dawn's 13 year old has begun dating in the fairly innocent way tweens tend to "date." She is not allowed to have one-on-one dates until high school, but she goes to the movies or bowling in big groups. Dawn talks to her about crushes and relationships so she will feel comfortable sharing questions or concerns later on. "I also invited her ‘boyfriend' to a pizza party for a bunch of her friends, so he didn't suspect we were trying to meet him," she says. "It worked out well."
Peers, Cliques, and Feeling Left Out
Diana, whose oldest daughter is now in college, says a big challenge is "monitoring new friends and their influence." Get to know other kids as best you can, whether by encouraging them to socialize at your house (draw them in with good snacks, as Dawn did with her pizza party) or by volunteering at school or extracurricular activities.
Wondering how to make your child feel special, even if she is not a part of the unofficial sorority that rules the school? Dr. Berger says that just knowing how much you love her helps a lot. "Life involves losses and disappointments to everyone, and the richness of these primary love relationships is the strongest defense against feelings of hopelessness," she explains. As always, take cues from her behavior and know that if she wants to talk about it, she will. If she has a couple of close friends, and that's all she needs, there is no need to worry about her popularity.
What can you do if your child is the one putting on the pressure? Not much. "When your two year old takes a fistful of another tot's hair and tries to pull it out, you must step in and stop it," says Dr. Berger. But when your 12 year old is catty and mean to her friends at school, it's tougher to intervene. A good goal is to improve the communication and respect in your relationship at home. Because a 12 year old is still "a very unfinished piece of work," says Dr. Berger, your bond with her is essential in shaping her development. That being said, it is her life to lead, so your role is to be supportive and encouraging. Your values have a big impact on the friend and student she becomes.
You're Wearing That?
The combination of newfound independence, a developing body, and the desire to fit in can lead your tween to try out clothing and accessories that seem inappropriate (or just plain ugly). But, says Dr. Berger, it's best not to forbid an outfit unless it is "practically catastrophic."
Set standards and stick to them, but also try a creative approach. Diana asked her daughter to pay for clothing they disagreed on, which usually made her reevaluate the outfit. Lucinda tried another tactic: "I actually just hid it in the back of her closet!"
If a struggle ensues over a last-minute veto or because everyone else is wearing it, don't stress. Your child will soon forget the wardrobe war — but not the tone of your interactions. It's better he reflect back on the time Mom was honest, not the time he had to wear dorky pants to the big dance.
Joining — and Quitting
Diana let her daughters try any activities they were willing to commit to for a full year. "This is the time for them to find out who they are and what they like to do," she reasoned. Lucinda's daughter plays soccer, does musicals, and serves on student council. She sacrificed a weekly dance class "because the homework became so time-consuming."
Worried about letting your child drop an activity? Try not to micro-manage. Some extracurriculars she once loved may take a lesser priority in middle school. It is a common part of breaking away from parent-directed activities on the way to discovering new pursuits. She may need or want to devote more time to academics, friendships, or dating.
The Wired (and Wireless) World
With busy social lives to worry about, your preteen might slip into a habit of frequent instant-messaging or cell phone calls. While these chats can be time-consuming, it's time for your tween (not you) to begin prioritizing his own obligations to schoolwork and other commitments. When possible, let him learn from his own mistakes.
To stay updated on middle school drama, Lucinda made her own MySpace account. "I do think it's important that my kids know their father and I can read their profiles at any time, and so can their friends' parents, their teachers, and anyone else who wants to," she says. The most important Internet safety rule is communication.
Stephani Nola Walton is a writer and poet based in Maine.
