How to Talk to Your Tween
Learn when and how to approach your prickly preteen.
If you're empathetic, your pre-teen will be more inclined to open up.
Last week, your 6th grader laughed at your jokes, asked your opinion on what clothes to wear, and didn't mind kissing you goodbye before school every morning. But today, every comment you throw her way elicits, at best, a one-word response accompanied by plenty of eye rolls. A simple question about her weekend plans can send her into an all-out meltdown. What happened to the warm, loving connection you had just last week? Here's what's going on with your middle schooler, and how to communicate better with her on a regular basis.
The Tween Brain
"Communicating with preteens is tough because they process information differently in their brains," says Dave Walsh, Ph.D., author of Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain For You and Your Teen. For example, they are prone to misinterpret nonverbal cues and rush in the direction of aggression or anger.
The brain develops from back to front, which means the part of the brain that helps adolescents reason, plan ahead and manage impulses (the prefrontal cortex) is one of the last areas to mature. It doesn't happen until around age 25!
An adult brain processes verbal cues — tone of voice, facial expression, gestures — in the prefrontal cortex, but adolescents process these cues in the anger center of the brain, or amygdala. In addition, the part of the brain that manages emotional urges is under construction. This explains why preteens may interpret a parent's normal tone of voice as yelling. "What might start off as a very calm question can mysteriously, from a parent's perspective, end up in a shouting match," Walsh says.
Prepare Yourself
"It's critical to set the stage for conversation," says Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, a parent educator and author of Raising Your Spirited Child. Start by making sure both you and your child have had enough sleep. Middle schoolers need between 9.25 and 10 hours of sleep a night.
Go into a conversation consciously choosing to connect with her and to focus on what she is saying and feeling. Try to understand her emotions, because being empathetic will make her feel more inclined to talk to you, and keep your own emotions in check. "Don't yell when she starts to tell a story about a bad day or something bad she did, because that only adds fuel to the situation," Kurcinka says. "You'll lose her because she'll get so upset that she can't engage with you."
If her story makes you want to yell or get angry, take a breath, pause and try again to understand her point of view so you can understand what she experienced, and ask questions until you get it. Take a break if necessary, but be clear that you are not angry with her and that you want to revisit the topic when you are both calmer.
Give your preteen the respect of your full attention. Avoid doing things like paying bills or checking your email when you're talking to her. "If you don't give your full self, she may not give hers," says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D, a sociologist at the University of Washington and author of 201 Questions to Ask Your Kids/201 Questions to Ask Your Parents. "She will notice the quality of the interaction is minimal."
Seize Your Moment
After school, at bedtime, in the car, and while working side by side preparing a meal are great times to engage your preteen, because these opportunities allow for less intense, more relaxed connection. Engaging in fun activities together is another great opportunity to talk. Go for a walk or bike ride together after dinner, go bowling, or plan a weekend ski trip.
"If we're in the car and I'm driving and he's in the back seat, having the chance to chat without looking at each other brings up things that might not be brought up if we were dealing with the issue face to face at the table," says Naomi Black, a writer in New York and mother of Tommy, 13, and Kate, 7.
Kurcinka recommends making yourself available as often as you can, so the conversations can occur when your preteen is ready. Don't let your preteen fool you. She wants you to be involved and engaged, no matter what she says. "Though they're pushing for more independence, the bottom line is you still need to be there enough to catch the times when they are ready to converse," Kurcinka says. For example, Black says she is always around when Tommy gets home from school, and they often chat after he's had a bit of computer or television time.
Connecting with just one child is difficult when the whole family is together, so invite your preteen to go for a quick walk while Dad clears the dinner table. If you have younger kids, put them to bed earlier than your preteen. Once they're asleep, devote some time to your tween. It will be easier for her to open up with just one parent at a time.
Draw In an Introvert
Take cues from your preteen, and do not force a conversation if he is clearly not ready or interested in talking. Think about whether he is an introvert or an extrovert, then approach him in a way most likely to yield a meaningful conversation. If he gives you curt answers to simple questions, he is probably an introvert (or angry about something) and will not respond if you force a conversation. "If you try to make him talk, he'll end up angry and either verbally or physically push you away," Kurcinka says.
"I know when Tommy wants privacy — one of the ways he shows it is by one-word answers and being more interested in his computer game than anything else," Black says. "If I don't have to talk to him, I won't push it. I'd rather give him his space."
Try to create plenty of one-on-one situations — during dinner or at bedtime — to connect with your introvert. "Introverts need to process internally, so they need time to reflect on an issue and to talk when they are ready. It doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't like you — it's just that she doesn't want to talk right now."
Email may be a good way to connect with an introvert. "Sometimes sending Tommy something via email is a nice way to say, 'I've been thinking about you, I came across this and thought you'd be interested, let's talk about it later,'" Black says.
If your preteen talks your ear off without prompting, she is probably an extrovert and is more comfortable talking with you anytime. "Extroverts are much more ready to talk right now," Kurcinka says. "They recharge and process feelings through conversation and activity."
Conversation Starters
Ask your preteen to explain something that she is an expert on. "Kids like being on the explaining level, as opposed to being questioned, and they like being an authority with their parents," Schwartz says. "Ask very specific questions about their life, where they own the information and you don't."
Avoid questions which invite monosyllabic responses. If your preteen plays soccer, say something like, ‘I am confused about the referee's call in today's game. Will you explain?'
Try open-ended questions such as:
- What do you think about _____?
- Tell me about _______.
- I don't understand ______.
You also can connect with your preteen via TV, movies, or books, Schwartz says. For instance, ask a question about one of the characters. "Watching TV is a great thing to do with kids because they really get into it, and they're not self-conscious about their remarks and thoughts," Schwartz says. "You can just participate.
"Look for teachable moments where you're talking about someone else — her friends or something in the news — which can lead back to her values and experiences." You may learn something about your preteen, based on her opinions about a particular television character or plot, that you can explore after the show is over. Watch the evening news with her and after, for instance, a story on violence, ask a question like, "That person sounds violent. Is there anyone scary like that at your school?"
Ask questions about her friends, too. "Parents often find out a lot this way because kids don't mind ratting on their friends or telling their friends' problems," Schwartz says. And it's a safe bet that if a friend is having a specific problem, your preteen may be experiencing the same thing.
